Safe

Growing up I always felt relatively physically safe. My father is a man of stature. Standing 6’2″, its hard to miss him. His voice is stern and his stride is grand. My dad’s presence exudes authority. I can remember being a young girl and getting on his shoulders and seeing the world from his view. I would stare in amazement to think that was the view he saw all the time. “To protect and provide” would probably be the motto I would give him if I had to think of one. I say all of that to say that being in a romantic relationship where I feel provided for and protected has always been at the top of my list. It is now though that I am truly getting past the surface level of those words and really dissect what ways I truly need those to be shown in a partner.

I don’t know about any of you, but I don’t think I have a “type” when it comes to men. I know this gears towards my single lady readers but this is for my married/boo’d up ladies as well. We can talk openly here, I won’t tell your man lol. Do you think you have a type? Are you you married to/dating your type? I’m more of a “I know what I like when I see it.” Some people I have been instantly attracted to, and some have grown on me as I got to know them. My friends will say I’m picky BUT I just think that I like what I like. I’m entitled to that right? Everyone is. Beauty, both inside and out honestly, is in the eye of the beholder. Please don’t get me wrong. I will be the first to say that physical attraction is important, but attraction is relative. The older I get the more I experience being attracted to people for reasons that have nothing to do with looks. As I have gotten past that phase of looking at physical attraction first and more long term, there is something that I have come to realize is a nonnegotiable for me. I honestly wanted it in the past but simply did not receive from past suitors – and it emotional safety.

Emotional Safety comes into play in all relationships but I have found it to be an interesting dynamic in romantic relationship. Looking back at past love interests, there was never a time that I did not feel physically safe. I don’t think I really ever thought about it to honest because I was never in situations with them that warranted feeling unsafe. Just in general though, in their presence I felt good. I have for the most part connected with guys that were never height or build wise towering over me. Most have been pretty lean but like if we were out and they had to defend my honor I’d feel sure enough that they could handle it without embarrassing me or getting us jumped lol. All jokes aside, feeling physically safe with your partner is real no matter what physical sizes you two are and it is important to me but after a recent situation, I realized that once again I did not and have not felt emotionally safe. I think I get to a point where I feel like I can be, only to be met with a reaction that proves otherwise.

For me, being emotionally safe boils down to this: can I trust you enough to treat my feelings, emotions and the expression of those emotions with care and not as a weapon. As I’ve expressed on my blog about a dozen times now, I have no issues with emotion. I feel emotion rather deeply and I express them as well. In fact I feel the best when I am able to express myself in a comfortable environment. It helps me to be much more creative, productive and optimistic. I am much better at expressing my feelings through writing because I am a crier but given the time and the SAFE space to do so, I can open up in person as well. Knowing this about myself now, I know that it has caused problems in the past. When something is bothering I am more keen to want to get it out and talk about it, rather than internally processing things. I’m getting better at taking a beat these days, but typically when something is bothering me it eats at me until I am able to address it. I feel like me wanting to communicate and get things out can be a bit much for people. Personally I feel like it leads to deeper connection and growth within a relationship.

When I’m in these situations, before that time comes where they decide that I’m just “too much” they have already put on their best performance to impress me. Rolled out the red carpet and all, nodding in agreement to every reason I have given as to why I’m not so eager to open up yet again only to get hurt. You see through some, but some really are genuine and seem like they just might be worth taking that step once again. Only to find out that you two have completely different ideas of communication and vulnerability.

I wanted to write this as a pinpoint in time for myself. I want to remember when it clicked for me. I have never felt that secure in someone before. Going forward I don’t ever want to not feel that. Communication is inspiring, not off-putting. Vulnerability is attractive, not lame. I don’t want my feelings to be stifled. The person that intend to spend my life with has to treat my heart with care. I want to know that there is nothing I can do or say (within reason of course) that will scare him away. I need him to want to understand why behind the what. I can share my fears, insecurities, wildest dreams, ideas, deep hurts and deep love with him. I must know that I can put my passions and my heart in his hands, and he will not fumble them. I need to feel and know that I am safe.

So there you have it yall. I am putting my foot down and demanding not only physical but emotional safety in my relationships going forward. We all should! I want to hear from you though. What does emotional safety mean to you? Can you relate to not feeling this way in the past? How does your partner or potential someone emotionally support you? Let me know in the comments below!

I found this great article discussing emotional safety and how it develops emotional connection. It brings in a science aspect that I thought was interesting. Check it out here.