Performance Pressure

For the first time ever I took an aerobics step class…and this was not the 80’s type of aerobics that you might be thinking: this is Xtreme Hip Hop aerobics. If you’re curious, do a YouTube search because you won’t see a video of me demonstrating any time soon. These classes have been gaining popularity and it’s been something that I’ve wanted to try for sometime. I did look into classes last year but never got around to actually attending one. A friend also wanted to try a class which was perfect because I didn’t really didn’t want to try it out alone.

I for one take some confidence in saying I can do a little one, two on the dance floor. It’s no secret if you follow me on Instagram or know me in real life that I love to move. I’m not saying I’m a professional whatsoever (and if you’ve had the pleasure of seeing my dance class recordings you’d agree) but I love the art of dance. I can keep the beat at least! So walking into the class I was nervous but excited to try something new and to see how I would fair. We went and I must say – I was shocked and appalled! I knew it wouldn’t be easy but MAN!

On the drive home in the car all I could say as repeatedly was “wow.” The mixture of intense cardio, step combinations, and memorization took me out. I am someone who can laugh at myself most of the time so as I messed up move after move all I could do what stop and chuckle, but after class when I thought about it more it brought something to mind.

At one point in the class I could feel myself getting lightheaded. I know I didn’t adequately fuel myself before class so I’m sure that played a part but even as I started to feel lightheaded I kept pushing…and pushing…and pushing. I did eventually step to the side and take a breather but it was making it over to my water botthle. I played it cool but my heart was racing and I really did feel close to either blacking out or passing out. Why didn’t I stop earlier?

It wasn’t because I was finally starting to catch on (cause let me tell you once I had a little momentum with one combo here comes the instructor calling out another step I couldn’t remember or get) or that I knew I had more in the tank to keep going…but because subconsciously I didn’t want to be that girl.

From the time I decided to embrace who I was and my body as it was I had a mental switch – going from completely avoiding certain activities that would draw attention to my weight or body in any way to doing things that challenge me despite of it. For years there has been this pressure – not imposed by anyone but myself honestly – to show up in a certain way. It’s sounds insane when I think about it because I haven’t had anyone for a very long time bring my weight up as a topic of conversation however I still have lingering PTSD.

As I told another friend how embarrassed I was at how awful I did I told her it’s my mission to get this step thing down cause “I’m not going to be the big girl who can’t do it.” Yes, this is how I talk about myself from time to time and I’ve definitely said it before with reference to other things. I have this internal battle that feels the need to show that despite my size I can do whatever I want physically. There are some exceptions to this rule that I have set. For example ziplining. I’m not quite ready to try it yet because weight limits scare me but I will eventually. Something like this step class though? It has become a goal to tackle.

I completely feel that personal competition with yourself can be healthy to an extent but it is not just that for me. Subconsciously I know it is still all the times that my weight was called into play by others in situations that I did not ask for it to be. It is because my younger self would have never gone into a room full of women differing in shape and size and dance, step, wear a bathing suit – whatever. It is why I almost passed out in that class and on another occasion hurt my thumb in a dance class that took 7 months to heal, but that’s another story for another time maybe. I push myself to the limit sometimes to prove to myself (and lowkey others too) that this big girl can. Reason #1,045 that a therapist is at the top of my list for 2025. More on that to come.

All of that to say that this year is already revealing a lot of packed down feelings that impact the way I move through life. Some maybe that I thought were completely dealt with, but just maybe they are still right below the surface. Best believe though that my newly purchased aerobic step is in the living room, I will be attending another class soon, and my 2025 challenge has been declared and accepted.

Something to ponder in your quiet time: Is there something you do to subconsciously prove a point to yourself or to others?