The Plague: 29, Single and No Kids

“So, what are you doing? What of your boyfriend? I thought that since you have gotten your degrees and at the age you are you would be planning for marriage. Aren’t you lonely?” This is verbatim the conversation I had with my uncle two weeks ago. At 6:45 AM on my 29^th birthday this is what I was listening to as I scrambled around trying to get ready for work. I politely replied “when God sees fit for me to be married I will be.”

I love my uncle dearly but I found it rather comical that I was having this conversation with him. Just for some context this is my father’s brother. He lives in Nigeria and I haven’t seen him since I was maybe about two or three and we speak only on occasion so when he went on with the comments it took me slightly by surprise. But I know this story and these questions all too well. You see if you are my age and not in a relationship and you don’t have kids some people really make it seem like you must be living a horrible life. But don’t you fret, my singleness is not contagious I promise.
I brainstormed this post 2 years ago and besides the age everything else is the same. I’m at the stage in my life where my peers are getting married or have been for a while and are starting families. Marriage and motherhood are two things that are important to me and one day hope to experience but the facts are the facts. I am not in a relationship nor even have any viable prospects to even consider the thought of marriage and I am not where I want to be in order to bring life into this world. When I was 18, there was no way you could tell me that at 29 I wouldn’t be married with at least one child. I mean really if you don’t have it all figured out by 30 then your life is basically all downhill from there right?
The pressure to be at a certain point in your life by the age of 30 is real. Not sure who determined that 30 was the end all be all of accomplishment. You have to be making the six figure salary with the house, spouse and baby all before the clock strikes 12 on your 30^th birthday. For me when I hit 26, I started the clock on myself because at that age my mom was married with a child. To be honest, it hasn’t been something that has been easy for me. The way society has placed such an emphasis on having a husband and children can be a cloud over your head not to mention the personal and family pressure. Women are encouraged to wait on the right one and focus on themselves yet if you are perpetually single then something must be wrong with you. It’s depressing and truly discouraging when trying to be the best “You” you can be.
Many of the people that I am close with that have a significant other are typically the first to say “you are still so young. You have time, it will happen when you least expect it. Don’t rush it.” I have had a married woman or two tell me how they envy me having my own place, being able to decorate how I want and have my alone time. All the while, being a part of the same group that asks constantly “Why don’t you have a boyfriend? Are you dating anybody? Do you want children?” Having to have these conversations over and over gets exhausting.
Then there are parents. My mother, bless her beautiful soul wants grandchildren so bad. My mom has the deepest love for my sister and I and I can only imagine how she would be as a grandmother. My mother is the type that will show my picture to some young guy that she thought would be good for me later texting me “I met your future husband.” She means no harm but I have had to be straight up with her and let her know that I can’t take the constant pressure. My father on the other hand just thinks I’m broken and can’t be fixed lol. He would never say it but deep down I know he thinks that because I am a bigger girl I don’t have any suitors and to his defense some of it is a cultural thing. The problem isn’t having any suitors but the right one.
I don’t want post to be misconstrued as a bitter rant about me being single. Love and happiness is such a beautiful thing. The institute of marriage is one that I strongly believe in. I absolutely love the idea of true love. It’s warming to know there are people that are finding their better half and making the commitment to join their lives for eternity. However people are so quick to put such an emphasis on dating as if this is what we should be breathing for, but few rarely ask if you are just simply happy or okay. Making a constant reminder of the time frame to have children gets shorter by the day. No I’m not dating. Yes I want marriage and children one day. Alternatively, if one doesn’t aspire to either that would be okay as well.
I could say that I’m single by choice which is how many women refer to their singleness. That is partly true since I could very well be in a situation where I’m only tolerated and not treated in the manner that I am worthy of. But I also am single by force in a way. I have spent a lot of my twenties vying for the love of people who either blatantly did not want to give it to me and I chose to ignore it or naively believing flowery words over actions. For the first time in a long time, I truly have no unhealthy attachment to anyone and I am trying to embrace that. I need this time in order to get to a place where I will only allow space for healthy and meaningful love into my life.
The last year I have really had to sit back and think about if I don’t get married or have biological children what would my life look like. Would I want to adopt? Would I go to lengths of having a child of my own by myself? My mom doesn’t like it when I talk about these things because she feels I’m too young to consider those options. But again the facts are the facts. I’m young yes, but I’m not aging in reverse. Not everyone gets married or has children and although I want those things does not mean they are in my plan.
In the end it all comes down to knowing who I am but also knowing that wanting certain things doesn’t make me lonely and desperate, and not having those things makes me no less of an amazing person or woman. Deep down I know nothing is wrong with me just because I am single and haven’t reproduced yet. Although sometimes when I get in my head I start to question why has it not happened for me. I must remember that my life encompasses so much more than checking things off this imaginary to do list. I want to be happy and fulfilled in ways that go beyond what people see as the perfect life. If and when that day comes I want to walk confidently ahead knowing the person that I already am before the journey. We should also remember that some women don’t wish to be married or have children, or physically can’t, and there is nothing wrong with either. I know for me, I am working hard these days not to let my age, marital status or not having children dictate how I see myself as a woman.