The Last of the Twenty Somethings: Taking Responsibility

As far back as I can remember I have been a people pleaser. Never liked getting in trouble, didn’t like people being mad at me. Much of this still applies to me now lol. I try to be the person that does’t care what others think but it’s crazy no matter how hard you try some things just don’t shake you. So with that being the case throughout school age I was basically a perfect child – and I don’t mean that in a braggy way but it is just facts. I rarely got in trouble and did everything I was told.

Growing up in an Nigerian American home though had its own challenges even with me being a good kid. As commonly known, education is always #1 priority. Most people have seen the African household portrayal many times in a hilarious way – but most of it rings quite true. Nothing but the best is expected and demanded, not leaving much up for debate. Unless you are a rebel, and I already told yall how I am, so a rebel I am not. I “performed” as expected without much fuss during my childhood but it became far more difficult as I grew and started to have thoughts and feelings of my own.

Now to be fair – the way I was raised has most definitely instilled some of the best traits that I have. I am an extremely hard worker. Mediocre is just not something I am comfortable with. I am very intelligent and no one can tell me different. I also want the best that life has to offer me. On the contrary however I believe some of my not so favorable traits came from lack of choice in my own life. I am often times afraid of making my own decisions for fear of being disowned quite honestly. I put a lot of weight on what other people think of me as well. Here we go again with the hard to swallow realizations. As I mentioned in the previous post I have two degrees which I am extremely proud of. I worked extremely hard for both – and paid a lot of money too lol. However they are not the degrees I wanted. I didn’t follow my heart when it counted most and did what my father instructed me to do.

The stories around what I wanted to do are for another day but long story short – what I had in mind for myself were not what my father deemed careers that would financially place me in a good position. In my experience, because I don’t want to speak for everyone, but the main purpose in picking a career for an African child is what will make the most amount of money, bringing prestige and honor to your family. It’s not much about finding your passion or being fulfilled in your work. I am not saying that making a ton of money and having a personally purposeful career are mutually exclusive – but sometimes finding a career you enjoy does not always result in a financial benefit.

I don’t want to make this seem all negative. This series isn’t about bashing my upbringing but this is about me. I was blessed to have the childhood that I had and I do realize that. This will however shed light on how my upbringing impacted me and what I am learning from it. My father has played a major part in the decisions I have made all of my life. Everything I did was to make him and my mother proud of me. I wanted to make myself proud too of course but it really stemmed from just wanting to be more than good enough for them. I also respect my father’s opinion a great deal when it comes to school and career. He has made great strides for himself so when he tells me something that has to do with career I tend to listen. But a lot of advice can be stemmed from a finance standpoint. Sometimes though you cannot always follow the money solely. When you follow the passion, you will be fulfilled in all the ways that matter, including financially.

Ultimately when it came down to my education I let the fear of my father being disappointed deter me from taking a step out for something that really interested me. And for many years to be honest I have resented my father for this very reason. I placed blame on him because had I not been forced on paths that I didn’t choose for myself I wouldn’t be thirty and have absolutely no clue what my next step should be. I also felt some feelings toward my mother and this was huge of a realization for me. Everyone knows how close her and I are. She is one of my best friends hands down. She will do absolutely anything for her children. However when I really needed someone in my corner, I did not feel I had her. I needed someone that would give me the strength to make a stand for my own future and I did not have that in either of my parents. If only I had learned to be a rebel, in a good way, and stood up in my truth to find my passion.

Very recently though I have had to really come to grips with these feelings that I have carried around for so long. I have realized that in order to move forward from what has truly hurt me, I must not continue to harbor feelings of resentment. I cannot put my feelings of regret on someone else. I have to take responsibility for the decisions I chose to make that have led me to where I am today. No matter how forced, I made the decision. I could have gone another way and followed my heart and should have, knowing that I can never do anything that would disown me from the love of my parents. My parents only wanted and still want the best for me, and that is where they operate out of. I can stand confidently now in knowing that I need to make decisions that are best for me – because the people in my life can chose to love me or not through it all. And from here I have to be responsible for my happiness, my peace and my future.