Recovering Undercover Over Lover
It’s true. I am an undercover over lover. Except not so under cover but a lot of over lover and have been in recovery for oh I dont know….all of my twenties lol. I cant remember when I first realized this about myself. But I can say that it’s particularly been the bane of my existence for quite some time.
We have embarked on love month. I love love. Always have and honestly even after my failed attempts at it I still love it and desire it. I love my family and friends deeply and when in a relationship (or situationship let me be honest) it’s always strong. I’d say being so emotionally attached to others has hindered me at times in my life.
I will be the first to say that I can get attached to people in general rather quickly. When it comes to people I have an interest in let’s just say you won’t have to question whether or not I’m feeling you. I have never been good at playing the hard to get game. Sure I am coy; I naturally have a shy personality. But once the formal pretense is out of the way that is the green light for Patience to let her feelings have center stage. It hasn’t quite worked in my favor this far though.
For the most part all of the encounters I have had have left me stuck thinking “now how did I get here?”. Time after time I am at the end of this rope begging for the person on the other end to deem me worthy of pulling up to safety. I put everything into proving that I’m “the one”. My twenties were exhausting for this reason. As I am getting older and I’m finally not dangling from any scraggly rope it is becoming easier to realize the missteps I’ve taken in love that I hope to one day be able to correct.
I live in the past – there hasn’t been a relationship or situation in the past that I havent fought tooth and nail to hold onto. Even when I wasnt being treated right. I can confidently say that it was because I was afraid that I wouldn’t find love again. Where I am in life now I dont have any unhealthy attachments to anyone and find it easier to see more clearly that I dont have to find love because I am love.
I try to force myself to be what they want – If I care about you I will go above and beyond for you. And if I want you to care for me just as much I will try my darndest to be exactly that. But why? If a relationship is for me in the future I will be the same loving, laid back, emotional, goofy woman that I am. I know now the difference between changing just for the approval of someone else and working to be your best self in order to best the best for your partner.
I give away all of my heart in return for the bare minimum – I am the person that if they ask for my heart, I will swiftly rip it off my sleeve and hand it up, no questions asked. Without the proof that I would get anything in return. I love deeply even when the love is no longer reciprocated. My motto for this year is “Gaurd Your Heart” which I comes from Proverbs 4:23. I must protect the very thing that guides me, because everything I do -good or bad – flows from it.
A lot of the mistakes ultimately caused me some embarrassment. I have definitely stumbled in love in the past but the work that I am doing now within myself are sure to pay off for the best.
6 Comments
Denita E. Robinson
Happy February! Nothing to say because you said it all best! However, since your posts always evoke a thought, I’ll say this: Life and the journey is all about self discovery. When it comes to matters of the heart, at times we all get derailed, distracted, bamboozled and befuddled! However, I learned to thine own self be true. Love God with all your heart. Love others as you desire to be loved. Trust God to lead and guide you, cuz truth be told…people fickle and can have ulterior motives. Ours is to be our authentic selves and if they fail to recognize the real, their loss. Life is definitely all about lessons. Every path deferent, but principles of faith the same. Glad you not only surviving, but thriving! It will happen, but until then enjoy loving on self and those in your circle reciprocating in some shape, form or fashion. Great post! Keep up the good work.
Patience Yemisi
You always give beautiful wisdom filled words!!! Thank so so much! People fickle! SO TRUE!
Matice
I love this.
Patience Yemisi
Thank you. It’s real. Hard to accept sometimes but it’s a process.
T. Scott
My beautiful friend, you have once touched my heart yet again! This is absolutely a breath of fresh air for me! I thank God for your gift of expression and compassion. You are truly an amazing woman. You spoke so many truths and I for one can definitely relate! When I love, I love hard! Where I missed, or shall I say, “wasted” so much time and energy with love was seeing the optimism and potential in the other person when they didn’t, or perhaps, I was the only who was fooled because they may have been showing me the reality of they were, and I was just in denial. Who knows? But, I definitely agree with the first post that speaks about loving God and ourselves. I have just started a series by Pastor Michael Todd of Transformation Church, entitled, “Relationship Goals”. I am in week 2 of this 6-8 week series, and it teaches us about our “singleness”. I am learning and loving what I am learning so much! And the fact that it is spiritually based, absolutely blows my mind, because like Erica Campbell says, “I LUH GOD!” Love is such a beautiful thing. And the love of Jesus Christ is off the Richter scale! Even though I am currently engaged, I am being drawn by God to learn how to love Him and myself first. Because how can I love or be the fiancé or wife God has planned for me to be if I can’t even love myself first? So although I love my hunny bunny, I have to dig deeper and still show myself some love too! Thank you for sharing your genuine expressions with us “hopeless romantics” and “hard lovers”. And happy Valentines Day to you! Be blessed♥️
Patience Yemisi
Relationship Goals was one of my first series I watched and is still one of my favorites! Thank you for such transparency!!! And thank you for reading! You will be a great wife. I will always be a hopeless romantic and hard lover 💜💜