The Plague Continues: 33. Still Single. Still Childless.

In 2018 I wrote the post The Plague: 29, Single and No Kids. At that time it had already been quite a while since I had been in a long term relationship. I didn’t expect while writing post that four years later I’d be in more or less the same spot. Of course things have changed since then. I graduated into the 30 and over club, I’ve reluctantly ventured into the scary world of dating apps, and I have more gray hairs than I want to think about. Obviously none of those things have changed my status however. As nature would have it even more of my peers are closing in on those pedestal type milestones if not on their second or third lap. I go down my timeline and see people that I went to school with and their children are teens. When I sit and think too long about it I definitely start to sweat. I feel like I was just a young doe eyed teen myself it’s crazy! As time passes I find myself doing math calculations. “If I’m married by X and have a child by Y… then I won’t be THAT old when they graduate high school.” LOL! It’s funny to think that is on my mind but it is.

It’s interesting though. I don’t seem to get nearly as many questions from people around me about when I’m going to have kids or get married. I guess they slowly losing hope lol. This idea though that if you reach a certain age with out a ring or offspring that you are somehow broken still disheartening. I had a coworker recently mention in a casual conversation that if a man is 40, never married, and no kids that something is wrong. The climate is so much different now than when our grandparents and even parents were our age so naturally people are entering those stages in life later. So why do we continue to hold on to narrative?

Loneliness is real. Desiring companionship outside of family and friends, wanting to start and raise a family. That is real. My desire for a healthy marriage and children are stronger now than ever but how do you cope with the push in society that your window of opportunity is quickly narrowing? Feeling like your stock is waaaaay down compared to your counterparts that were blessed to find their partners right out of college or decided on children earlier in life? It can be tricky to navigate but there are some gentle reminders that I am trying to stay mindful of during this time that might be helpful to someone.

Be realistic but never let go of your desires – I can’t be naïve to the fact that time and age play a part in having children. Do you know that geriatric pregnancy starts at 35? 35. As in two years for me. There are many aspects that go into that of course but quite simply it scares me thinking about that. I know that I have more baby producing days behind me than in front of me for the most part and that is just the reality of it. I do also know many women that have successfully had child at 35+ so I have faith that if I do have children everything will go as it should.

Be open to the dream looking different than you envisioned – In my early twenties, I was adamant about not dating men with children. There was no judgement I just knew that I wanted the man I married to experience parenthood for the first time with me. This one has been an adjustment over the years but the facts are the facts. The people in my age range have kids. It was not in my original plan but if that is in my plan I will take on that role with pleasure in the right situation. I also did NOT see myself being a bride after 35 (let’s be real – 30.) Like I said in the first post I really thought I would be married and pretty close to done with the babies by now! Love comes to people at different times so I don’t want to shut the door on it just because it has not arrived yet.

Settling for anything is just not an option – There are times where I get really frustrated and think it would be really convenient to throw in the towel, find someone that I can tolerate, who tolerates me, and be done with it. If past experiences have taught me anything is that as much as I try to be okay with “good enough” or “it’ll do” the amount of love I am ready to give and receive just won’t let me play myself short like that. I have yet to experience the love that I dream to have but I think I’m worth actually getting a chance to and so are you.

You are in good company darling – I don’t know the statistics or research behind it but just from what we can all see is that there has been a shift in the average age for marriage and starting families. I know I have more friends on my side of the spectrum and that has nothing to do with the people themselves or for the lack of trying. When I step back it does make it relatable to see that I am really not alone. It does seem like every day I see a new proposal or baby announcement but I also see the ones that are going through the woes of singleness right along side of me and we are talking men and women of all ages. So when I seem to get in my “something is wrong with me for sure” bag I take heart in knowing there is a gang of us out here in this together.

You are complete – That’s it. that’s that statement. We are whole. Complete. Enough. Period. So whenever that relationship or parent title changes, or if it never changes, it really does not matter.

I want to leave whoever might need just a little more boost in where you are. I came across this video years ago and recently a friend shared it with me again. Just know wherever you currently find yourself ladies (and gentlemen) you’re a BOSS – whatever that might mean to you. Don’t let anyone make you feel like something is wrong with you.

@jossyeki

♬ original sound – josephine25