Beauty in My Trials and Tribulations
About 7 years ago during my brief stay in Gurnee, Illinois where I moved for a job I went through a very bad time. One night I laid in bed with tears in my eyes and wrote a prayer for myself – a mantra if you will – that I told myself I had to read every day when I woke up whether I believed it or not, felt up to it or not. Over the years the mantra has been tweaked a little to reflect what I need to speak into my life at the time, but I still attempt to say it in the mornings to this day. Before I even get out of bed I recite the words out loud. I wrote about this on Facebook once but one line says “ I pray to find the beauty in my trials and tribulations.” I have been saying this for years but in all actuality I really have not been practicing this – like at all. For this many years I have been saying these words and not truly listening to them, meditating on them and putting it into practice in the throes of everyday life and hardships. But as of the last week or so, I have been trying to change that.
So it’s been four long weeks since I’ve posted anything and although I would love to say its because I’ve been busy going on amazing summer trips or started my dream job but that is not the case. To just cut to the chase I have been on the struggle bus. Do people even say that anymore? Well when I say I’ve been on the bus I mean I have been driving that thing into the ground. June was difficult for me, like crying almost every day difficult. To put myself out there even more, July has been much of the same but I’m getting through it. I have really just been making it, letting my days pass filled with work, more work, and loads of tears and praying.
Initially I wasn’t going to share this now and I am very nervous but here goes. When I am in a negative mindset I tend to isolate myself because when I emotionally feel alone I also would rather be physically alone and that’s what I have done the last couple months. These are the times when I feel like no one quite gets what I’m experiencing not even family or friends and the typical “it will get better , this is only temporary” doesn’t help. I’ve always been an emotional being but what I’m learning now as I go through this rough phase is that even more than I am emotional I am prideful. Which most people are, our society lends itself to being prideful. It’s not “cute” to show your weaknesses. Because if we let people know what is really hurting us and that our life isn’t so Instagram worthy at the moment we are somehow weak. It really has hit me in this couple of months that there are people that I consider close friends that I am embarrassed to disclose certain things to. How crazy is that?! How is it that I can’t seem to tell some people that I’ve know half of my life or more that I’m down financially or uncertain in my career/lack thereof because everyone seems to be doing so amazing. How can I come before a load of my peers and say hey, everything in my life right now seems to be wrong. And why would I do it? When it seems like everyone is out living their best lives, traveling, falling in love, making “money” moves and life moves meanwhile I am just trying to hold it together and get through the day.
I have recently been binge watching sermons from Pastor Michael Todd of Transformation Church. What I listened to this week stuck with me, and really made me think about trying to find beauty in my trials and tribulations that I am facing currently. In his words pain is the prerequisite for purpose. Although God does not want us to have to endure pain, we live in a fallen world so it is inevitable. But He can always use our pain; He will not only help us to withstand through the storm but will strengthen and push us towards our purpose. Discomfort is used to reinforce dependence on Him. If you think about it, it really is true. If the hard hits of life did not exist and we always got what we wanted or needed when we wanted it how much would we call on Him? He can change our situations and give us the strength to withstand through toughest times. And the most amazing thing is we don’t have to be quiet about our pain or things that we are weak in because when we expose it we allow God to use it for our good! Uncomfortable times will happen in life but what’s produced out of that time is almost always a better, stronger more appreciative version of the person you were before.
I had every intention to share this when I came out on the other side of my current struggle. You know all the “after the Storm” happily ever after type thing because the thought of having people read that I’m currently going through frightened me. It’s much prettier when you read the story of “how I made it through” instead of “I’m currently trying to make it through”. But I have had a couple friends encourage me to share and I started thinking about why I started this blog. My blog tagline – Everything that makes life beautiful. Well right now nothing seems very beautiful but the only way I know that to be true is because I know the other side. I know what it is like to have the extra money to do whatever I’d like and what it is like to be broke (the strict budget life is real right now). I know what it is like to have your life filled with the warmth of genuine relationships and what it feels like to truly feel like you are doing this thing called life alone even when you have plenty of people around that care for you. I know what it is like to feel at peace and happy and what it is like to just not feel much of anything. The good and the bad together is what make life beautiful. It never feels like it in the moment but there is beauty in the struggle. And I know that sounds so cliché but it is true.
I know this post may seem all over the place but I wanted it to be as much of my unedited thoughts as possible. I said all of this to say this – someone may need to hear this. It might be you that’s reading this right now. Maybe it’s not you but you may know someone that needs this. Life isn’t great for me right now. But I am working through it. I am committed to sharing my authentic self and story and my road back to a good place. I don’t have to share every single detail but I do feel that my experience can be used in some way, if anything for my own self therapy. There may be one person that feels alone and they may read this and feel like there is at least one other person going through with them. Trust me, I am there with you in the trenches. I am still figuring a bunch out with in my life. Things happen and will to continue to. I might get tired and feeling like giving up, but one thing I won’t do is quit. I don’t have to be embarrassed of where I am or too proud to share my trouble areas. Not a sympathy plea but more so a statement of showing my humility. This is me being transparent in efforts to not only help myself but someone else. Having hard times is not the most enjoyable thing. I get it. I’m going through it. But the strength that I can already feel building is so amazing and I am hoping from now on to find the beauty in my trials and tribulations.
If you read this far, kudos to you! There will be more posts pertaining to my road to happiness in the near future! Are you currently practicing finding beauty in your trials and tribulations? What’s a piece of advice that you can share with me or a fellow reader about enduring the storm? I want to hear your thoughts!
10 Comments
Denita E. Robinson
As usual, thank you for being your authentic self. I, for one, wondered why I wasn’t getting my dose of “Patience”, smile.
Having been there and done that-been in this place you are currently growing-all I can say is AMEN! Send me your email address. I wrote a God inspired poem entitled “Pain’s Purpose” so the Pastor’s point which was enlightening to you is indeed correct! I want to share the poem with you. Secondly, we like to say Faith in the Struggle or Struggling with a Purpose (but the beauty does comes out of surviving the struggle). As you noted, aging personal strength!
Finally, God revealed this to me about 3 weeks ago at a retreat (Faith in the Struggle was the theme) and I now share with you in hopes that like me-you will commit it to memory to remind you-You will have the victory…God said when you Struggle (AND WE ALL DO WITH SOMETHJNG FROM TIME TO TIME) look at the STRUGGLE like this:
Stand
Tall!
Remember
Under
God’s
Guidance
Love
Eventually wins!
He loves us and wants what’s best for us. He promised to never leave nor for sake us. Loving on Him draws us not only back to Him -but to the plans and purposes He has for our life, as you discovered. We are created in His image to share the Good News that we ourselves now know and understand. So as it says in Romans 12:2: “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” Romans 12:2 KJV
I am encouraged because I see the hand of God upon you simply leading you towards His will for your life. Please know you are in a good place, in spite of how it feels. That’s why I focus on faith in the struggle knowing there will be beauty after the struggle. We liken it to the metamorphosis of a butterfly. The beauty develops after the struggle!
Love you and thank you for being YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF! YOU are not alone (in more ways than one).
Patience Yemisi
Amen and Amen again Mrs. Robinson! Love you for sharing this with me as it is needed and so appreciated. patience.olishile@gmail.com. I took forward to reading and printing out to post in my home. I love that STRUGGLE. I thank you so much for your support and for sharing your knowledge with me!
Matice Morris
Giiiiirl! I can relate! I was down financially for 3 years even trying to find a job, thinking I’d have to live off my parents forever because no one would hire me with my stutter. And even when I got a job, I was worried, “Is this the best I can do because of my stutter?” Trust me, there is purpose in everything, even the struggle. And it’s so hard to believe that when you’re going through it, but that’s where faith comes in. Stay consistent, even when you aren’t seeing the fruits of your labor. Find the positives and focus on the positives. And as always, you know I’m here for you! I struggled with depression in my mid 20s and even though I was surrounded by people who I knew loved me, I felt alone. So even if it isn’t my exact same struggles, I can relate in some way. I love you, Patti Boo Boo!
Patience Yemisi
Thank you Matice A Roo!!! Yes I have definitely batted depression so I know when its creeping up on me. I will not let this or anything break me though! I am in a tough spot but I’m committed to working on getting to a better place. Things could always be worse and even if I think about the simple things – the things that we sometimes write off as simple – my eyes opening this morning and being able to type this message on a smartphone, I am so blessed. I thank you for the support! Love you!
Terry Olishile
Good morning Yemisi, no mother want to hear that their child is going through, just know that it is only temporary and that God is still working with all of us. There is a lot of people who need to hear this, I am one proud mother.
Love you Patience Yemisi Olishile
Patience Yemisi
Thanks mother!! Going to use my struggle to gain my strength! Love you!
Terri Hatter
Because we all live these “secret” but so called “open” lives via social media, we tend to camouflage ourselves behind our posts, status, what’s on our minds, etc. If we ALL shared what is really going on in our for real lives, or what’s really on our minds, we would find that in some way shape, form and or fashion, we are all on the same path – Self Discovery and our Life’s Purpose! It’s unfortunate that we as humans have been encouraged to hide behind the false, duck beneath the faux and cover up the fake by long handle spooning everyone when it comes to sharing our authentic emotions and feelings. Regardless to the age bracket any of us fall into, we are all subject to everything you penned. Whatever the struggle, because you are who you are, you can and will handle it. It may not be without injury or scars afterwards, but it will be handled. And I so agree with you on how quickly we can cliché someone, when they are going through, but when it comes to ourselves, we look for MORE than the “this too shall pass”, even if there is truth in that saying. I commend and applaud you for stepping up to the MIC, clearing your throat and saying with confidence, “I do and am struggling right now!” Also, that you just didn’t leave it at that, but you followed up with, “I, Patience, will have beauty for ashes whenever I come through on the other side of my present struggle!” Continue to push for the plush of your life. If you can push then pull. Always……
My Auntie’s Love ~
Patience Yemisi
My goodness this made me start tearing up. This was so beautiful and eloquently put. I thank you for speaking into me and my life as you have all of my life. Its always good to hear that no matter the age, people can still relate because struggle does not discriminate in any form of fashion. I love you so much and thank you for supporting me!
Patrice Johnson
You my dear, you are the real mvp. To stand naked in your truth before your peers and the world, is a strength many do not possess. I encourage you to keep sharing for those who lives don’t match the ig highlight reels that we are bombarded with daily. Now let me know how I can help you. Seriously.
Patience Yemisi
This right here?!? You know the first step of you helping me was the encouragement to even so this. I was so scared to post this (still am) but I honestly felt accomplished today for doing it and I havent felt this good in a while. I am going to continue to open up this conversation. Love you so much and thank you for your support. I know you’re serious too!